I remember a time when, after yet another relationship was going wrong in the same ways that every other relationship had, I really wondered if I was either cursed or this was just as good as it was going to get - if the only men that would ever find their way to me would be jealous, controlling, and needy.
Then it dawned on me - there had to be something I was doing that caused me to attract the exact same kind of relationship again and again! Stressed and sick of dealing with this again, I swore off men for months, intent on fixing whatever it was that was wrong with me, and I found out that I had been addicted to making some critical mistakes in picking boyfriends - mistakes that I realized I was programmed to make, based on some unconscious beliefs I held about the kinds of relationships I deserved.
When I worked on changing these patterns, I quickly and easily found my soulmate (and now husband of more than 11 years).
Are you ready to find your soulmate? Here’s some mistakes to avoid:
Big mistake #1: Dating someone for the potential you see in them.
I was an addict to this kind of thinking. I see the good in just about everyone, so I would look at a guy and think, “He’s got great potential to be _____.” (Just fill the blank with whatever you can imagine - and if you are one of these kinds of thinkers, you’ll know just what to fill it in with.)
Trust me on this: Do not date for potential; date for what is reality right now. I cannot tell you the amount of emotional turmoil I went through trying to help my boyfriend at the time become the person I thought he could or should be.
Anyone catch the problem in that last statement? Here it is: I was trying to help this person live up to the potential I saw in him, but guess what? Just because I saw that he had the potential to be a great leader, teacher, or whatever else did not mean that was what he wanted.
When you put your expectations on someone who does not want them, conflict can be the only outcome. You see, each person wants to be who they are - not who you think they can be. There is nothing wrong with encouraging a person to go down a path that would be great for them, but when you are opening the doors for a person who really doesn’t have the desire or drive to go there, you are setting yourself up for problems.
Find a person who has the qualities you most desire right now, and you won’t have to stress either of you out with expectations of “potential.”
Next, Big Mistake #2!